Women's Rights/Issues

I'm not sure I believe this woman.

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That's such an outrageous number. It would be more believable to say around 2,000 to 3,000. I think that's the number a few porn actors and rockstars have claimed.

CauseItsReal wrote:That's such an outrageous number. It would be more believable to say around 2,000 to 3,000. I think that's the number a few porn actors and rockstars have claimed.

Yeah, that Lemmy guy from that metal band (real specific huh) says he's around 10,000. Although that's in his entire career. 2,000 wouldn't have sold books.

10,000 makes me wonder what her vagina looks like.

After10,000 she should have every  sTD in existence

You would think at least herpes.

In 1998, TIME magazine declared feminism dead. Nearly 15 years later, it wondered if instead, perhaps feminism should be banned. Constantly on attack from all sides, feminism has spent the past few decades proving its importance and relevance over and over and over again. If there's one thing history has taught us, it's that the backlash against feminism will always be a measure of our success. That's the thing with progress — it is far too often perceived as a threat by those took weak to embrace equality.

Indeed, as we head into December, it's clear that the year 2014 was a historic one for feminism. Across the Internet and the world, women stood up for their rights, challenged stereotypes, fought for recognition and took control of the dialogue. The following is a non-exhaustive list of some of the most iconic feminist moments this year:
1. Malala accepted the Nobel Peace Prize — and went straight back to chemistry class.
Source: Getty Images
The Nobel Peace Prize is "not going to help in exams" Yousafzai joked to reporters after becoming the youngest person to ever win the award. In addition to advocating against violence, poverty and advocating for more access to education for women and girls, the seventeen-year-old activist has become a symbol of hope and proof that feminism really does have the power to change the world. 

2. Mo'ne Davis made everyone want to "throw like a girl."
Source: AP
When the 13-year-old Davis led her team to the Little League World Series, it's safe to say she captivated the nation. Poised and confident, Davis was an instant role model for millions of little girls — and boys — and also was the first Little Leaguer to grace a Sports Illustrated cover. To top it off, she was also recently named Sports Illustrated Kid's "SportsKid of the Year." You go, girl.

3. Emma Watson stunned the U.N.
Source: Getty Images
We knew Emma Watson was destined for big things as soon as the U.N. named her as an official Goodwill Ambassador, but we had no idea how much of an impact she would have — and so soon — until she gave a speech highlighting the importance of gender equality and feminism. Although some feminists were disgruntled by a perceived lack of acknowledgment by the star of her own privilege, her public defense of feminism certainly started a conversation, sending the message that feminism is important and should be embraced by both men and women across the globe.

4. A survivor brought her mattress — and sparked a national movement.
Frustrated by what she saw as an unacceptable response from school officials to her alleged sexual assault, Columbia University student Emma Sulkowicz decided to take matters into her own hands. As part of her senior performance art project, Sulkowicz announced that she would carry her mattress everywhere she went until her alleged rapist was expelled. It didn't take long for others to notice, eventually sparking a national day of protest culminating in 28 mattresses being dropped in front of the office of Lee Bollinger, the president of the university, in a dramatic show of solidarity.

5. Jennifer Lawrence beat the Internet's worst trolls at their own game.
Source: AP
It's no coincidence the 4chan celebrity nude scandal targeted almost exclusively female celebrities. Culturally, we still view women's sexuality as inherently shameful, making the exploitation of said sexuality one of the most effective ways we have to try to put women down. Jennifer Lawrence, however, is far too strong a woman to be shamed by a few cowardly trolls hiding behind the anonymous cloak of the dark net. In an interview with Vanity Fair, she explained why those who attempt to denigrate women for taking intimate photos are the ones who should be ashamed. "I started to write an apology, but I don't have anything to say I'm sorry for," she said. Amen to that.

6. Women stormed the halls of Congress.
Source: AP
The 2014 midterm election may have been a "shellacking" for Democrats, but it also saw victories by a new wave of women, on both sides of the political aisle, ultimately increasing the ratio of female representatives greatly. A record 100 women will serve in the 114th Congress, and that's something we should all celebrate.

7. A bro tried to defend cat-calling on TV — and was totally shut down.
Source: CNN via Youtube
Although it's rare to hear anyone describe a crime like harassment as a "compliment," it's always shocking to hear a man on television think he can get away with telling women how they should or should not feel about it. Although multiple pundits have suggested that women  for harassment, when Amanda Seales did not take kindly to Steve Santagati's suggestion that women should be thankful for the attention during a debate . From now on, every reaction to mansplaining will forever be judged against the flawless takedown that resulted.

8. Frozen gave us a lot of feelings — and broke all of the records.
Signaling an important break in the traditional princess genre, Disney's smash hit Frozen featured a prince-less feminist cartoon hero who sings "Yes, I'm alone, but I'm alone and free!" Equally important, the blockbuster became the highest-earning animated movie of all time, proving that children — and grown-ups — will pay to watch complex and strong female characters. And it was written, directed and composed by women! Currently, only 1 in 4 speaking animated characters are female, the success of Frozen is expected to change the way we think about gender at the movies. 
9. Laverne Cox didn't break barriers, she crushed them.
Laverne Cox, in addition to being an incredibly talented actress, has spent the past year helping to open door after door for her transgender brothers and sisters. Some of her firsts included being the first openly transgender woman to garner an Emmy nomination for her role as Sophia Burset in Orange Is the New Black, a rare, realistic portrayal of a transgender woman in mainstream pop culture. Cox also graced the cover of Time magazine, shining a brilliant light on the talent of trans individuals and the growing strength of the transgender rights movement.
10. Taylor Swift had a feminist epiphany 
Source: Getty Images
After years of comments to the contrary, the superstar entertainer finally came out of the gender equality closet this year, confiding to the Guardian that she was totally a feminist all along (knew it)! Swift then set about proving her commitment to the movement, releasing a video for her single "Blank Space" that was described as a "dystopian feminist fairy tale" by Jessica Valenti. Indeed, over the span of only a couple months, Swift has been on something of a feminist tear, disproving stereotypes about feminists, calling out the music industry's trivialization of women artists and giving thanks for the invaluable role of female friendships in her life. Oh and can we talk about that VMA performance?

11. #YesAllWomen reached almost 2 million tweets in under four days.
Not all men assault, rape and harm women, but #YesAllWomen have to deal with the threat of being hurt every day. That was the rallying cry behind what may be the most viral feminist hashtag of all time. Born out of the tragedy that took place in Santa Barbara, it was an opportunity for women to speak openly  about the injustices that plague their lives. At one point, the hashtag trended more than Kim Kardashian's wedding, proof that the conversation was long overdue and resonated with many. Thanks to #YesAllWomen, the conversation about the shooting was seen through a gendered lens, something that the media has been reluctant to do for far too long.

12. Facebook stopped censoring breastfeeding.
Source: AP
After helping to ensure Facebook cracked down on content trivializing and in some cases glorifying violence against women last year, a feminist coalition led by advocates including Soraya Chemaly wasn't done yet. Working together, the group of determined women managed to convince Facebook to change its policy banning photos of women breastfeeding, in the process demolishing a problematic double standard that sent the message that women's bodies are inherently obscene.

13. Beyoncé danced in front of the world — and a gigantic feminist banner.
Source: Jason LaVeris/FilmMagic/Getty Images
Remember the bizarre spectacle that was last year's VMAs? For all those wondering if they would ever get Robin Thicke's gyrations out of their nightmares, Beyoncé's 16-minute performance was quite literally a sight for sore eyes. The world's biggest diva proved feminism wasn't just accessible, it was cool. As Time remarked, the entire show was about women's empowerment. From Swift's lively performance with exclusively male backup dancers to Nicki Minaj's assertive "Anaconda," the performances gave many of us hope for a future music industry that respects and highlights its female talent.

14. Ellen Page came out, made our hearts grow 10 sizes.
Source: YouTube
"I'm here today because I am gay. And because ... maybe I can make a difference [...] I am tired of hiding and I am tired of lying by omission," the actress told a captive audience at the Human Rights Campaign's Time to THRIVE conference this February. Page's coming out sent a powerful message to LGBT youth around the country that they were not alone. 

15. Lupita Nyong'o forced Hollywood to take blackness seriously.
Source: YouTube
After becoming only the fifth black woman to receive a best supporting actress award for her role in 12 Years a Slave, Lupita Nyong'o set off on a whirlwind awards tour, earning a Glamour Woman of the Year honor and the Essence magazine Black Woman in Hollywood Breakthrough Award. Proving that she was as brilliant as she was beautiful, Nyong'o's speech on body image and blackness deeply moved the Essence audience. "I remember a time when I too felt unbeautiful," she told the audience at the Beverly Hills Hotel. "I put on the TV and only saw pale skin, I got teased and taunted about my night-shaded skin." The path to self-acceptance is hard, she noted, but finally coming to terms with the idea that beauty comes in many shades has changed her life. 

16. Robin Thicke's new album fell flat on its face.
Those familiar with Robin Thicke's previously questionable artistic decisions — singing about the "blurred lines" of consent being perhaps his most infamous — may not have been surprised when his new album was released, and was creepy as hell. More surprising, however, was that people weren't buying it. Literally. To be perfectly fair to Thicke, Paula, named for his now ex-wife, did sell like 530 copies in its first week. But the moral of the story seems to be that the era of the open misogynist may be coming to an end in the music industry.

17. Mindy Kaling nailed it, repeatedly.
Clearly, not everyone can be Mindy Kaling. The multitalented star produces, writes and stars in her show, and yet also has the time to make effortlessly brilliant statements about being a woman of color in media. Whether it's her response to a snarky question at SXSW or her witty retort after being mistaken for Nobel laureate Malala Yousafzai ( "Did he really think I'm Malala? And that if I were, I'd be at the Boom Boom Room?"), Kaling has proved adept at fighting Hollywood's old boys club. And she does it with panache. According to Kaling, every woman's motto should be "Why the fuck not me." She's living proof that women can and should be leading these discussions.

18. Moronic pickup artist booted out of several countries because of feminist activism.

Source: Look Human
The self-described "international leader in dating advice" may have fooled men into thinking he could get them dates, but thanks to a series of public petitions, the world soon learned that Julien Blanc was nothing short of a misogynist and racist who encouraged men to assault and choke women. To date, Blanc has since been banned in Australia, the U.K. and recently Singapore. Feminists also ensured that Blanc wouldn't be giving his "boot camps" and "seminars" in numerous countries, drawing attention to the flawed logic that fuels PUAs — and the men's rights activists who breed them.

19. Shonda Rhimes took down bigots on Twitter.
An adept social media user, Rhimes has really had the run of Twitter this year. In addition to utilizing the social media platform to take down the New York Times' critique of her as an "angry black woman," the Scandal creator also effectively shut down critics of the gay characters in her storylines.

20. A new kind of Barbie revolutionized the toy aisle. 
Did you know that if Barbie were a real woman she would be 5'9" tall, have a 39" bust, but only a 18" waist, a tiny shoe size of 3 and have to crawl on all fours because her body is so small it couldn't support her head? While there have been many attempts at a Barbie alternative, perhaps the most realistic was created this year by Nikolay Lamm, whose "average" Barbie even comes with imperfections like acne and cellulite.

21. Periods got cooler — like, way cooler.
Source: YouTube
While "Aunt Flo" was arguably always kind of rad (period mixtapes and bottomless Twizzlers, anyone?), HelloFlo, a sanitary product company, made us think about periods in a whole new, celebratory light. In an effort to highlight their first period package, Naama Bloom's company produced a hilarious short video describing the glorious "period party." Not only did it make that time of the month seem way more fun, the commercial proved that there's nothing gross or weird about a woman's body. 

22. Aziz Ansari broke down feminism for dudes.
Source: YouTube
During his appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman in October, Aziz Ansari made some crucial points about feminism to an otherwise pretty mainstream late night audience. "If you look up feminism in the dictionary, it just means that men and women have equal rights," he said. "And I feel like everyone here believes men and women have equal rights. But I think the reason people don't clap is that word is so weirdly used in our culture." 

Ansari's message was clear — feminism is not about pitting men and women against each other. "If you believe that men and women have equal rights, if someone asks if you're feminist, you have to say yes because that is how words work," he said. "You can't be like, 'Oh yeah, I'm a doctor that primarily does diseases of the skin.' Oh, so you're a dermatologist? 'Oh no, that's way too aggressive of a word! No no, not at all, not at all.'"

23. Janet Mock taught Piers Morgan (and the rest of America) how to talk about trans people.
Source: YouTube
There's the right way to interview a transgender person, and then there's the Piers Morgan way. The bombastic former CNN host made several key errors while interviewing Mock on his program in February. Mock accepted an offer to come back on the show, however, and proceeded to thoroughly school Morgan on the proper way to interview a trans person. She followed that series of interviews with equally important appearances on the Stephen Colbert show and AM Tonight on Fusion. 

24. Crafty crafters did amazing things in Hobby Lobby stores.
After the Supreme Court ruled in Hobby Lobby's favor, effectively allowing the crafting giant to stop providing birth control in female employees' insurance packages, clever and crafty feminists took to the aisles at were, expressing their frustration via pro-woman messages left in stores across the nation. The best part? It wasn't just women, male customers also got in the fun. Its good to know that you don't have to be a lady to appreciate the responsibility of for-profit corporations to provide comprehensive contraceptive care.

25. Amy Poehler wrote a really good book.
In addition to starring in her own award-winning sitcom Parks and Recreation, casually teaching male comedians about what it's like to be a woman in a sexist society and hosting a website dedicated to empowering women called Smart Girls at the Party, Amy Poehler also managed to write a bestselling book this year, titled Yes Please. In addition to being hilarious, Poehler's opus was full of amazing feminist statements, like this interview she gave with Elle.

26. The Notorious R.B.G. proved particularly notorious.
Source: AP
Whether it was her ability to make a Supreme Court dissent go viral or her admission that she owns a surprising number of R.B.G. T-shirts, Ruth Bader Ginsburg was particularly badass this year. One of her top moments, however, had to be her interview with Katie Couric, during which she admitted that the ideal gender ratio for Supreme Court justices would be all female. 

27. The Super Bowl included a heaping helping of girl power.
Source: YouTube
After winning a crowdfunding campaign, toy company GoldieBlox's overtly feminist commercial was a very welcome change from more typical, male-oriented fair. Long a bastion of sexist tropes, the GoldieBlox piece promoted the benefits of teaching girls how to creatively crush gender stereotypes.

28. Olivia Pope threw her hat in the feminist ring.
Source: Getty Images
A pop culture phenomenon heralded as possibly the "most feminist show on television" got a whole lot better this season when protagonist Olivia Pope "came out" as a feminist. "Still, as a feminist, I absolutely understand if you want to refuse to make adjustments to your image," the fictional power broker and red wine aficionado noted. 

29. Beyoncé wrote a flawless feminist essay.
In a piece that was featured in the Shriver Report, the superstar's essay "Gender Equality Is a Myth" notes that "women make up half of the U.S. workforce, but the average working woman earns only 77% of what the average working man makes" and that "we have to teach our boys the rules of equality and respect, so that as they grow up, gender equality becomes a natural way of life." Proving her grasp of gender studies is as potent as her singing range, she went on to argue that "women are more than 50% of the population and more than 50% of voters" and therefore "must demand that we all receive 100% of the opportunities."

30. The MTA took a stand against "man-spreading."
In an encouraging move, this fall New York transit announced it was beginning a campaign to combat the amount of space some men take up in public. The problem, sometimes known as "man-spreading," "lava balls" or "subway sprawl," will be tackled through awareness programs the MTA is planning to roll out  in January 2015. While women may miss witty feminist Tumblrs like Your Balls Aren't That Big, we certainly won't miss having to deal with men's wide-legged dominance on a daily basis.

31. Women stood at the front lines of Ferguson.
Source: Getty Images
Despite reports of women being silenced or interrupted by male activists, women made sure their voices were part of the growing chorus of dissent coming out of Ferguson, Missouri. "Historically, women have always been leading," protester Thenjiwe McHarris told MSNBC. "A lot of times women are often unseen leaders because women are all just doing it — we're all just doing the work." In addition to helping lead marches and chants, women like Jamilah Lemieux from Ebony also fearlessly reported on events from the ground. Although police Officer Darren Wilson was ultimately not charged in the killing of Michael Brown, the conversation about racial justice will continue, with women as some of its most invaluable warriors.

32. Getty Images embraced lady diversity.
Images of girls and women shapes the perception that we have about them, in other words, you can't be what you can't see. After realizing stock pictures of women were often stereotypical, Getty Images teamed up with advocacy organization Lean In to increase the diversity of images of women in their catalog. The popularity of these images across the world proved the demand for more realistic portrayals of women, especially in industries like finance and tech. 

33. Cosmo redefined its target female.
In addition to launching the #CosmoVotes initiative to engage the young female electorate, Cosmopolitan magazine's decision to increase its feminist content and redefine its standard reader is a testament to the mainstreaming of the modern female-empowered movement. In the words of Joana Coales, the editor-in-chief, the new Cosmo woman is "interested In mascara and the Middle East." Clearly, being interested in sex and fashion doesn't mean women aren't also interested in solving the global oil crisis.

34. Feminists finally got us talking about Bill Cosby.
Allegations against Bill Cosby have been around for years, but for some reason (ahem, misogyny), the mainstream media took a while to actually start to care about it. But that all changed after comedian Hannibal Buress' routine woke the not-so-sleeping giant of the feminist network. Overnight, activists left the media no choice but to pay attention, a movement solidified after savvy Internet users hijacked  a promotional chat, R. Kelly style. In the wake of this outpouring of support, even more victims have come forward to tell their own stories of alleged abuse at the hands of the venerable comedian. 

35. Joseph Gordon-Levitt became the face of male feminists everywhere.

Source: Getty Images
One of the most vocal male feminist right now, Gordon-Levitt spent a lot of 2014 talking about why feminism matters to him. JGL is also planning a crowd-sourced video based on all your feelings about the word — just one more thing to look forward to in 2015.

36. One pro-choice couple showed us the best response to pro-life protesters.

Move over, Beyoncé and Jay Z, this "celebrity couple" may be your new biggest rival. After spending their Saturdays defending a local abortion clinic and its patients from loud pro-life protestors in Cary, N.C, Tina Haver Currin and her husband Grayson Haver Currin decided to get creative, posting photos of their increasingly hilarious signs on Tumblr. Their ability to merge humour with activism was just what the Internet needed this year.

37. In historic first, a quadruple amputee walked the runway
Source: Carrie Hammer
After showcasing Danielle Sheypuk, a clinical psychologist from New York who uses a wheelchair, Carrie Hammer, a designer with a disruptive approach to fashion, booked Karen Crespo, a quadruple amputee for her latest show. Hammer, who prides herself on the motto "Role Models, Not Runway Models," always makes diversity a priority, and this year's show was no exception. Crespo's confident strut proved that you don't have to be in Sports Illustrated to look and feel confident in your own skin. 

38. Sweden introduced a gender-neutral pronoun. 
"Hen" may just refer to poultry in English, but in Sweden, it actually means a lot more. As part of Sweden's effort to lead the gender-neutral feminist revolution, they've introduced the word as a gender-neutral pronoun to stand in for han ("he") or hon ("she"). No wonder the country beats everyone when it comes to gender equality.  Although it's rare to hear anyone describe a crime like harassment as a "compliment," it's always shocking to hear a man on television think he can get away with telling women how they should or should not feel about it. Although multiple pundits have suggested that women should be thankful for harassment, when Amanda Seales did not take kindly to Steve Santagati's suggestion that women should be thankful for the attention during a debate on CNN. From now on, every reaction to mansplaining will forever be judged against the flawless takedown that resulted. 

39. Roxane Gay showed the world that there's no such thing as a good feminist.
Writing in her collection of essays Bad Feminist Gay notes that while there are many different kinds of feminists, the most important thing is to acknowledge our differences and continue to work together towards the end goal of gender equality. Ultimately, feminism is not a competition, it is a calling. 

"I would rather be a bad feminist than no feminist at all," she concludes.

"Ancient moon priestesses were called virgins. 'Virgin' meanest not married, not belonging to a man - a woman who was 'one-in-herself'. The very word derives from a Latin root meaning strength, force, skill; and was later applied to men: virle. Ishtar, Diane, Astarte, Isis were all called virgin, which did not refer to a sexual chastity, but sexual independence. And all great cultural heroes of the past, mythic or historic, were said to be born of virgin mothers: Marduk, Gilgamesh, Buddha, Osiris, Dionysus, Genghis Khan, Jesus -- they were all affirmed as sons of the Great Mother, of the Original One, their worldly power deriving from her. When the Hebrews used the word, and in the original Aramaic, it meant 'maiden' or 'young woman' of independent sexuality, needless to say; they distorted the meaning into sexually pure, chaste, never touched."

--K. Child

My rapist and I both ran in the same large circle of first-generation Indian kids who tangentially knew each other at UC Berkeley. Like me, Neil* was one foot in, one foot out of the generally insular Indian scene. He was a senior on a varsity sports team, a decidedly un-Indian activity at Berkeley; I was a freshman involved in our on-campus news station, covering sports. I had met Neil earlier in the year through an Indian dorm mate, but got used to running into him at frat and sports parties, where we’d often joke about being the only two Indians in the room.

My friends didn’t like him much — he gave off a bit of a creepy vibe, and was all too quick to invite freshman Indian girls over to his apartment. Still, we had stopped by to pregame at his apartment once or twice, thanks to his proximity to our dorm and our limited access to alcohol. At the time, I was getting over a rough breakup with someone else in the Indian community. I was still trying to win my ex-boyfriend back but found myself attracted to Neil’s similar discomfort hanging out solely with other Indians. He may have been a little aggressively flirtatious for my taste, but he was proof that it was possible to exist with feet in the monolithic Indian community and outside of it.

But when it came to telling my friends that he raped me, why did my Indian friends find it so hard to believe a fellow Indian could do what Neil did to me?

These things don’t happen to us. First-generation Indian kids are constantly walking a tightrope between our Indian heritage and our American identities. We may not have had to sign up for the arranged marriages of our parents, but we also weren’t allowed to date growing up. We could have our freedom to have a good time in college like our white American counterparts, but the price tag for it was earning a respectable degree that leads to a good job. We played it safe, because we couldn’t afford not to — we are our parents’ children, and our parents sacrificed everything for us to be raised in America. Dating? Sex? Alcohol? Those were all perks — privileges to be enjoyed quietly, and never to be abused.

Even now, nearly nine years later, I’m fighting the urge to explain that I know not all first-generation Indians, people like me who were born stateside to immigrant parents, are as conservative as I like to pretend they are. My own parents, for example, were incredibly liberal compared to most Indian immigrants, and perfectly open to the idea of their daughters dating in high school and college. Everyone’s parents vary in their degrees of traditionalism. Not all Indians. But when it came to sex, I was always the outlier, the harlot. My three closest Indian girlfriends and I all had our various freshman-year entanglements, but I’d had sex with a high school boyfriend, and for that I always felt a little dirtier, a little more judged — a chip on my shoulder I’m willing to admit I likely placed there all on my own.

Being Indian was my entire identity at the start of college, and I quickly immersed myself in the scene as much as possible. As I started to make friends outside of the Indian community, the lingering disconnect between my Indian friends and I felt even more amplified. Maybe there’s no such thing as “a good Indian girl,” but that didn’t take away from the fact that I was still much further away from it than any of my Indian friends. I knew it, they knew it, and the divide was ever present.

When Neil invited me to a party being thrown by the lacrosse team that April, I was hesitant about going. I still wasn’t over my ex-boyfriend Rahul*, a sophomore who had broken up with me after three months because I wasn’t as conservative as he wanted his girlfriend to be — especially not as he ran for student government. Determined to transform into the sweet Indian girlfriend of his dreams, I went as far as to give up drinking in a bid to win him back. For the next part of my plan, I invited Rahul to the lacrosse party too, figuring he would get a chance to shake hands and kiss babies in advance of the election — while hoping my invite from a cute athletic senior would create the requisite dose of jealousy needed to push us back together.

What I didn’t expect was being roofied, not remembering the rest of the night, and waking up in Neil’s bed covered in bruises.

Actually, that’s not entirely true. I remember snippets of the night. I fully remember insisting no alcohol be in my beverage when Neil offered to pour me a mixed drink — a choice integral to my plan of presenting my best self. I remember a very hazy moment: walking down a hill toward Neil’s apartment, daring him to let me wear his lacrosse jersey. I was definitely drugged by then, but eight years later I remember that brief moment of flirtation I surely was complicit in. And I remember coming to during the act itself, no idea where I was. Letting it go on for a few more minutes, confused, but not fighting it off either, as I always imagined I’d do if ever trapped in that situation. I remember being in the bathroom looking at my neck, certain it was going to be bruised by the next morning.

Even in this retelling, I’m hesitant to admit what I remember because there’s less culpability in not remembering. Isn’t there? To remember is to admit that there were maybe moments where you could have stopped it sooner.


View this image ›

Jenny Chang / BuzzFeed

I don’t remember how I got home, but it wasn’t that late when I got there. I called my ex-boyfriend, who was convinced my multiple pleas for him to come over were misguided attempts at drunken seduction. He reminded me that it was my choice to not drink for a month, yet here I was wasted on the third day of the self-imposed ban. He had to go do work for the campaign, at 2 a.m. on a Saturday. He hung up.

I don’t remember if my closest female friends, Indian girls who lived in my dorm and had been to Neil’s apartment with me before, came over that night or the next morning. I do know that when two of them took one look at my neck, covered from side to side in a macabre grin of angry purple bruises and bite marks, they knew something had happened that wasn’t supposed to. I told them what I remembered from that evening as best I could, and they were incredibly supportive, especially given that none of us had dealt with anything of this nature before in our eight months of friendship. But it also didn’t stop them from asking, “Are you sure you guys didn’t just accidentally hook up last night?” After all, they had seen mine and Neil’s ill-advised flirtations in the weeks prior. It wasn’t that they didn’t believe the date rape hadn’t occurred; it was that there was a stronger tendency to want to chalk this up to drunken shenanigans. These things don’t happen to us. Neil may have given us an off-vibe from day one, but at the end of the day, he was a good Indian boy, and I was supposed to be a good Indian girl.

Given my friends’ suspicions that there was maybe more to the story than I was letting on, even knowing that my judgment had to have been chemically clouded, I started to question my own recollections. Neil and I had been flirting here and there in the weeks leading up to the party. If I hazily remembered flirting with him on the walk home, who’s to say I didn’t say no when push came to literal shove? Even though I’d never blacked out, and don’t remember drinking at all, did I maybe just get really drunk? I logically knew the answer to all those questions pointed to no, this wasn’t my fault, but if I couldn’t even believe myself entirely, there was no way I was going to be a believable victim.

Even though I had told my friends the majority of what happened, I edited out a few of the parts that I was convinced might give Neil plausible deniability, even to my best friends. That was the first time I sanitized the story. It’s not that it didn’t happen in the parts I was able to recollect, but it was much easier to be a believable victim when I was irrevocably wronged. I dropped the mention of remembering that he gave me a drink at all (even though I do remember Neil being a little too insistent that it was “just Tampico Punch” — a non-alcoholic mixer — “don’t worry”), just to play it safe. I also started to leave out the brief recollections of us walking back from the party. Even after I had sufficiently retold the story multiple times, I still got the sense that there was some disbelief — I had hooked up with someone else during a trip earlier in the school year despite wanting to win my ex back, and there was still that lost high school innocence I’d never be able to undo. But the bruises spoke for themselves, as well as Neil’s texts the afternoon after, trying both to flirt and minimize the night before in the same breath.

Going to campus police was never an option. It’s not that our Indian community wasn’t having sex, but we sure as hell weren’t talking about it. I wasn’t explicitly talked out of wanting to press charges, but it never even came up in the discussion process of how to move forward. I was worried about others in the Indian scene finding out, and the rumor mill dropping the non-consensual aspect of me having had sex (a step Rahul and I hadn’t even taken when we dated). My friends and I all were aware of how it would play out in the Indian community if we blew it up. Not dragging Neil’s name through the mud wasn’t to protect him, it was to protect myself, to not give my circle even more ammunition to render me damaged goods, and question whether my account held up. Neil wasn’t the most popular student in the Indian community, but after my breakup, neither was I, and to duke out who was more believable if the story came out was a battle I wasn’t willing to lose.

Our South Asian campus club was putting on a culture show that night — an ironic event, given that I was convinced I fit into what my culture expected of me even less now than I ever did before — so my friends slathered as much concealer as they could find on my neck to cover the evidence of the previous night, and we all were secretly glad I hadn’t invited my parents to come up to watch the show. Gratefully, none of them brought up the anecdote that they used to make fun of me for the most: that I had picked Berkeley as the college to go to after visiting and watching that same culture show a year prior. Seeing that show as a high school senior was the first time I felt like I had belonged to a community. One year, two and a half hours, and 14 colorful dances later, I never felt more ostracized from it.

Meanwhile, Neil, who was also participating in the show, was continuing to text me. The flirty texts from the morning that had gone unanswered had morphed into worried texts where he tried to downplay the night before, joking around that maybe we both got carried away. When those texts also went ignored, he quickly turned angry, instructing me to keep my mouth shut “for both of our sake.” Dealing with Neil’s angry texts, alongside the stress of being in charge of the opening routine of that night’s show, pushed me to a near breaking point, and I couldn’t stop crying. I was worried about running into him backstage or at that night’s afterparty, just to have another confrontation like the one I was trying to avoid over text.

My friends broke rank and told one Indian upperclassman, a sympathetic junior who was a sexual health education peer at the university health center. She was the first person to believe my story verbatim, no sanitization necessary, even with all the caveats that made me a bad victim. After offering to take me to campus police, and then assuring me that it was OK that I was dead set against going, she deftly handled Neil (a mutual friend of hers at the time, as well) over text message, assuring him that I would absolutely be pressing charges if he didn’t stop threatening me. She later arranged for me to be seen by a doctor, and pointed me toward therapy options to talk through the trauma. I am still forever trying to emulate her grace and compassion when put in similar situations.

Still, I continued to sanitize, even in the years later when I became more comfortable talking about my assault. But I do think that my unwillingness to deal with it in the immediate aftermath only encouraged the suspicions that I was embellishing. One of my own friends went so far as to suggest that I made up the entire thing as a cover for a consensual hookup, because I was unable to hide the bruises from my ex-boyfriend. The Duke lacrosse scandal was playing out across the country at the exact time that my rape occurred in the spring of 2006, and someone unwittingly mentioned to me, “Wow, your Neil story is just like an episode of Law & Order: SVU! Roofied by an athlete; that just screams ripped from the headlines.”

I keep coming back to the phrase “Not all Indians.” I know I’m not alone in my quixotic quest to balance the conservative parts of my Indian upbringing with the realities of living in a modern American culture. But I still feel that I don’t fit the mold of “good Indian girl” with my friends, with my family, with the first-generation Indian community at large. I still sometimes date Indian men and hang out with Indian friends, who truly are wonderful, but more than one has asked me why I have to write about private aspects of my life for career “sport.” Not one has asked if it’s cathartic or something I enjoy, because in our culture, we don’t prop up the sensitive aspects of private lives for any reason — especially ones that come up because we failed to adhere to the good Indian code of ethics in the first place.

When you don’t talk to your kids about sex, how do you talk to them about sexual assault? In our traditional, conservative culture, these things generally don’t come up. Rape rates in India are soaring, but it still reads as an “India problem” — something born out of the old country’s inability to modernize; as distant and antiquated a notion as having a servant, or shaving your hair off on a yearly temple pilgrimage. And sexual assault in America is still seen by immigrants as something that “doesn’t happen to us.” It’s a wholly American epidemic.

I still have a hard time always telling my story in full. The need to sanitize is ever present, just to ensure that people believe me. I know I did nothing wrong, but in being the type of person to depart from my cultural values, I still often feel I did everything wrong. Rape culture and the difficulties victims face in coming forward are incredibly real. The pressure I felt from my own culture in trying to tell my story? Even stronger.

Name has been changed.

Do you think that's true?

CauseItsReal wrote:Do you think that's true?

I think it's interesting. In my experiences, yes, it is true. Like the article states, I don't think it's a lack of empathy, but rather the inability to relate because they don't feel what their partner feels. 
However, this opens the door to other couples. What of homosexual couples? Asexual and androgynous partners? The question then becomes, is this a sex based issue or is it ingrained gender issues?
Boys are taught from a young age to not have certain feelings and questions of feelings are not common discussions for them because to feel is to be weak. 
What do you think?
I think it is gender and sex. Women tend to be naturally maternal, which explains the empathy and if boys are taught to push feelings aside as to not appear weak, then that is ingrained gendered behavior.

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1. Dr Elizabeth Blackwell (1821–1910)

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English-born physician Elizabeth Blackwell was the first female MD in the United States. Rejected by many medical schools due to her gender, she ended up getting a place at the Geneva Medical College in New York, where she had to put up with a lot of douchebag classmates and a professor who thought she should leave the room for lectures on reproductive anatomy in order to protect her “delicate sensibilities”.
Turned out she didn’t give a fuck about delicate sensibilities and went on to become a world-famous obstetrician.

2. Annie Smith Peck (1850–1935)

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It is quite possible that no one has ever given less of a fuck in a photograph than mountaineer Annie Smith Peck.
Peck scaled all the major mountains of Europe, then went to South America, where in 1908 she was the first person to scale Peru’s highest peak, Mt Huscaran, gaining international acclaim.
She was also an influential scholar, writing multiple books and lecturing around the world. She kept climbing until the age of 82.
Oh, and she didn’t wear the long skirts expected of women at the time.
And people were like, “OoOOooOooOh but Annie! Such immodesty!”
But did she give any fucks about them?

Did you, Annie?

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LOL, nope.

3. Mary Lou Williams (1910–1981)

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Mary Lou Williams, pictured third from the left not giving a single fuck, was a pianist prodigy and one of the most influential musicians and composers of the first three decades of jazz. She performed professionally from the age of 12, was a great influence on “Kansas City swing” big-band jazz and bebop, composed music in multiple genres, and was 100% badass all of the time.

Here she is again, without a second to spare for anyone’s bullshit.

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4. Sojourner Truth (1797–1883)

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Abolitionist and women’s rights activist Sojourner Truth [url=https://books.google.com/books?id=6Tfx_gVHXcMC&pg=PA250&lpg=PA250&dq="I+can%27t+read+little+things+like+letters"&source=bl&ots=8f6uFgYtuE&sig=KUDMgH2_hv-q_xX0cRF-UEl-RtU&hl=en&sa=X&ei=YPOmVL3fB42EgwTkuYKIAw&ved=0CB4Q6AEwAA#v=onepage&q="I can't read little things like letters"&f=false]once engaged in the following exchange[/url] with the young suffragist Harriot Stanton Blatch in which she gave literally no fucks:
Harriot Stanton Blatch: “Sojourner, can’t you read?”
Sojourner Truth: “Oh no, honey, I can’t read little things like letters. I read big things like men.”
SOJOURNER.

5. Ada Lovelace (1815–1852)

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Ada Lovelace was a mathematician (and an absolute baller) who is widely considered to have written the first computer program, working with Charles Babbage on his plans for a sort of proto-computer, the “analytic engine”.
Babbage once entreated her:
“Forget this world and all its troubles and if possible
its multitudinous Charlatans – everything in short but
the Enchantress of Numbers.”
Which basically meant:
“Don’t give a single fuck.”

6. Beatrice Potter Webb (1858–1943)

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Beatrice Potter Webb was a social reformer, economist, and historian who campaigned with her husband Sidney for policies to benefit the urban poor, working towards the first minimum wage laws, developing the early Labour party in Britain, authoring hundreds of books, and founding the London School of Economics – all while giving no fucks.

7. Lilian Bland (1878–1971)

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Journalist and aviator Lilian Bland lived a life full of badassery. In 1910, she built her own plane in Ireland. She didn’t have a fuel tank for it, so she fashioned one from an empty whisky bottle and her aunt’s ear trumpet. She then flew it for 30 yards – a very impressive flight for those days.
Her hobbies included smoking, wearing trousers, martial arts, motor cars, and swearing. She passed her retirement in Cornwall gambling, drinking, and painting – all the while, of course, giving no fucks.

8. Ethel L. Payne (1911–1991)

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Ethel L. Payne was an absolutely kickass investigative journalist who covered the American Civil Rights Movement and international affairs. As a member of the White House Press Corps, she once famously pissed off President Eisenhower with her persistent questioning on desegregating interstate travel, leading him to ignore her in future press conferences like an absolute ninny.
Over the course of a long career, she reported for the Chicago Defender on stories from across the globe, and became the first female African-American commentator on a national network when she was hired by CBS in the 1970s. Some detractors complained about her assertive questioning style. Luckily, she did not give a single fuck about those assholes.

9. Murasaki Shikibu (973–1025…ish)

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Murasaki Shikibu was a lady-in-waiting in Japan’s imperial court during the Heian period, and wrote what is believed to be the first novel in human history: The Tale of Genji.
Her father apparently praised her intelligence, but lamented that she was “born a woman”. In her diary, she records that she learned Chinese by listening through the door to the lessons her father gave her brother, because women were not meant to learn Chinese. Murasaki Shikibu, however, gave no fucks about this whatsoever.

10. Nellie Bly (1864–1922)

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Nellie Bly was a daring and influential investigative journalist who wrote groundbreaking stories about political corruption and poverty. She once faked madness in order to report undercover from an abusive mental institution in New York City, which led to outcry and reform. Her jealous peers referred to her investigations as “stunt reporting”, but Nellie, of course, didn’t give a fuck about those whiny little shits.
Oh, and she once travelled around the world in a record-breaking 72 days, just ‘cause.

11. Nzinga Mbandi (1583–1663)

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Nzinga Mbandi, the Queen of Ndongo and Matamba (modern day Angola), was a straight-up boss bitch. She took power when her brother Ngola Mbandi died in 1624, and gained international acclaim for her brilliance in diplomacy, military tactics, and giving zero fucks. Her skill in warfare, espionage, trade, alliance-building, and religious matters helped her hold off Portuguese colonialism for the duration of her life.
Nzinga, you literal queen.

12. Hedy Lamarr (1914–2000)

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This is the face that Austrian-born American actress and inventor Hedy Lamarr would make when she gave no fucks, which is to say, the face she made every single day. She invented “frequency hopping” technology, which was put to use in a secret communications system and in radio-controlled torpedoes in WWII, which in turn laid the foundations for future technological developments such as Wi-Fi and GPS.
She was also a movie star.
Because why the fuck not?[/ltr]

[ltr]The creator of a new social media site for men - called Manbook and bound to confuse lots of dudes who are there for something else — is angry that women (especially feminists) might try to join the network. So he's issuing a threat: Sign up and die.[/ltr]
[ltr]Joschua Boehm, who is, objectively, a real piece of work made it clear that his site was for men only. NO GIRLS ALLOWED. And because women so often don't listen, Boehm posted the following message (obtained by Raw Story) on the site.[/ltr]

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"We would ask you women to respect our rights as you wish your rights to be respected. If you are unwilling to respect our right to freedom of association do not expect men to respect your right to life. Ok?"[/ltr]

[ltr]OK, Ladies? If you want to stay alive, you'd better respect these dudes because not following the orders of men's rights activists will result in your possible (but not probable) death. I don't know what this guy and his friends have got going on over on Manbook, but it's so secret that just trying to sign up might cost you your life. It's probably pictures of baby animals and gay porn, though. I mean that's why I'd go to a site called Manbook.[/ltr]
[ltr]Boehm, who has already ruined the life of a woman who he accused of lying about a sexual assault is happy to harass women online. According to Raw Story he also runs a site where he names women whom he suspectsof crimes against men.[/ltr]
[ltr]Boehm ends his warning thusly:[/ltr]

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"So. Ladies. Learn what a right is and do not be violating the rights of other people, especially men, if you are not prepared to have your rights violated in return. Ok?"[/ltr]

[ltr]I guess he hasn't learned that threatening to kill others for going to a website isn't actually a right guaranteed by the constitution. I bet women wrote that, too, though, so it's OK.[/ltr]